My Rejection Story
I was a little girl the first time I heard the Enemy whisper lies about my identity that caused confusion and heartache for decades.
This is my story…
As a small child, my identity began to wrap around other people’s approval and what they thought of me. I strived to earn the labels I knew would cause approval like: “Good Girl,” “Obedient,” and “Talented.” And fought against the ones that brought disapproval like: “Emotional,” “Spacy,” and “Rebellious”
I just wanted someone’s approval. I wanted someone to answer the question, “Am I good enough?” with a resounding, “Yes!”
When I was a little girl I had a dream of attending The Julliard Conservatory in New York City. I have played the piano since my hands were big enough to span an octave and I dreamed of becoming a concert pianist.
When I told my Daddy about this dream he took me somewhere that would forever change the direction of my life and solidify the belief that I wasn’t good enough.
You see, my dad took me to the library.
And, what I now know was a gesture to push me towards working hard by looking at reality…took a turn for the worst when he asked me to look up the tuition of Julliard. What I read crushed my spirit, because I knew that number was more than my parents could ever afford on a teacher’s salary.
So I did what any girl in my position would do… I shrunk my dreams, my passions, and my purpose to match what I felt I was worthy of.
When I was 15 my parents divorced and left me with identity issues none of us expected.
That’s when the seeds of disappointment, and disapproval started to grow into full-grown weeds of pride, fear, and self-sabotage. I wandered through my precious teenage years looking for approval. It was a set up for disaster.
One year later, I met the boy who would forever change the direction of my life.
One of the by-products of the lie or rejection is this obsessive desire to “fix” others. And this boy become the ultimate “fixer-upper” project. I ran past every red flag and subtle sign with the belief that love could conquer all. I just knew that God could work through me and my faith, to “save” this boy.
At 20 years old, I walked down the aisle. I didn’t want to. If someone had stopped me and said, “You don’t have to do this.” I would have run away that day. But it was too late. I felt like I was stuck with the commitment I made to him. And, I really did believe him when he said that once we were married things would be easier and he would change.
It was less than 11 months later that I would pack my bags unable to handle the abuse that was progressively getting worse. I would pack my bags 3 more times before I finally got brave enough to not care what anyone thought of me, and walked out of my prison on June 5, 2017.
In the end I become his “savior” always fighting off his demons.
And, he became my “enemy” slowly and deliberately wearing away my identity and self-worth until I could no longer recognize the girl in the mirror.
On that day in June, I was just starting to understand that my full-blown panic attacks, anxiety, and rage (that I thought earned me the identity of “Crazy”) were really just the tell-tale signs of decades of hidden psychological, spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse.
My name is Raychel Chumley and the biggest lie and label that I struggle with is this: Rejected
Rejection is an incredibly powerful tool
Satan used it to keep me stuck in an endless cycle of doubt and self-sabotage. Rejection created emotional wounds and baggage that festered and grew to the point they threatened to choke me out with rebellion, self-pity, blame, pride, insecurity, jealousy, and hopelessness.
The Enemy of my soul wanted me to believe that my God-given identity was somehow damaged. That I deserved the treatment I received. He tried to destroy who I was what I was put on this earth to do. And he almost succeeded the night he tried to convince me that ending my own life would take away the pain I was drowning in.
To this day he still tries to slither in with lies and tries to keep me in fear and panic:
- You are not good enough to live the life you dream of.
- You are a hypocrite and no one will ever be helped by you.
- You are unwanted and unloved.
- You are crazy and emotionally unstable.
- You are a disappointment and everyone is mad at you.
- You’ll always be left by the ones who say they love you.
TODAY IS THE DAY that I choose to draw a line in the sand. I bravely look these lies in the face and DECLARE:
Lies – you have no power over me anymore! I see you, and I am no longer held captive by you!
Now I know better. So now I can choose better.
Those things the Enemy whispers over my heart and mind are lies. Lies and labels meant to wear at my identity and keep my dreams small. The voice that speaks them is a LIAR. It is not my voice. Or the voice of my God that speaks those horrible things.
Today is the day I choose to draw a line in the sand. Lies you have no power over me anymore. My wastelands will now become my vineyards and you have NO authority over the territory God has given me.
The Truth is…
- I am good enough and God has CHOSEN He gave me a BIG DREAM that He has given me the skills and support to fulfill.
- I am a GREAT MOM and WISE and I tell the TRUTH
- I am FAITHFUL to God’s leading and when he says “jump” I jump.
- I am LOVED. And I am WORTHY of LOVE.
- I am FUNNY and KIND
- And…I may forever wear the scars of domestic violence, and be able to rise up and say #metoo and #neveragain, but I am NOT a victim. I am BRAVE and I am a SURVIVOR.
Ladies—our identities are written by only ONE person. ONE. The Father of our souls. God alone should take the pen and write your identity. The identity that he promises us is one that is like HIS own… Genesis 1:27 “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
We do not have to believe and live in the lies of rejection anymore. Today is the day we say “never again!”
My name is Raychel Chumley and the truth about me is this: My identity is in Christ and He says I am a New Creation and His precious Child. My body is the Temple of God.
Period. End of story.