Lead Me On…

The hardest day.

Its noon I should probably make some lunch, but the bathroom is dirty and the sink in the kitchen is full of dishes. I am aware that my daughter is only at grandmas for a few more hours, and I still have to stop by the library and take a shower. The phone rings. It’s the hospital. I take a moment to answer. The test was only done yesterday, usually they just send a letter. No news is good news. And yet the phone is ringing.

As the doctor explains the test isn’t saying what we wanted it to- I fall to my knees. It is noon. I should probably have eaten lunch, suddenly I’m no longer hungry and the ache in the pit of my stomach is thankful it remains empty. The voice on the other end of the phone is telling me I have to schedule more tests, new prescriptions will be written, and she slowly starts to sound like the teacher from that Charlie Brown cartoon.

The room gets dark, my heart starts to ache, the phone call ends. I’m on the floor and I’m not sure how I got there, I can’t see because the tears are overflowing. I no longer care about how long it’s been since I last showered, or the state of my kitchen.

I start to picture my daughter hating me for missing out on her life. I start to hear screams of pain and agony coming from somewhere in the house.  I finally realize it’s me the sounds are coming from as I cry out to God. Why? What have I done? Am I being punished?

I am not strong enough for this.

I am scared.

I don’t want to miss out.

I don’t want to miss out.

I don’t want to miss out.

The crying continues until I’m aware I have to pick up my daughter from grandmas. Grandma asks me how my appointment went yesterday, I lie and say I think it went well. I buckle my daughter in her car seat and I cry all the way home. She asks questions I can’t answer. I ask God questions He isn’t answering. I’ve never felt more alone.

I don’t want to miss out.

I make supper. I do bedtime with my daughter. I hug her. I kiss her. I cry. She tells me she loves me and I cry more. I’m so broken. I feel so lost. I feel so alone. I am afraid.

My husband comes home and instead of reaching out I lash out. But eventually I tell him about the phone call. I lay down for bed and I cry myself to sleep. It’s dark and it’s painful here in this place. 

I wake up in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, I can’t sleep.  So I get up and sit in the living room. I open Pinterest, and the first pin on the top of the page says  “I loved you at your darkest.” Romans 5:8

My heart quickens.

I’m torn between believing God placed his Word in this exact moment for me to recall, and how hurt I am that this is my fate.

So I continue to scroll. Another word, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those who spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18. 

I push the laptop closed, and the weight of the day drops me to my knees. I begin to pray. I pray until my prayer is no longer words but a hum, I feel the vibrations in my lungs and my chest and I lay down. I lay down and picture god holding me. I feel the Holy Spirit wash over me. I picture God walking with me. I picture a cure. I picture answers. I picture not missing out. I picture it all so different than I did earlier. That’s what God’s grace does for us. It takes the darkest, scariest, most sorrowful moments and he listens to our questions, doubts, fears, and he loves us anyway. He blesses us anyway. He gives us hope anyway.

I wouldn’t be who I was today without the struggles of my illness. I wouldn’t know what kind of pain I could endure. I wouldn’t know true Joy without the darkness I’ve walked through. I wouldn’t have learned how to trust in God without needing to place my life in his hands in times like these.  

It has been a tough season. Every day were getting closer to answers from doctors, and every day I am reminded to place the outcome in God’s hands.  It hasn’t been easy. But Gods timing has been so beautiful.  

Two months prior to that phone call I felt called to start writing a bible study. I laughed at the idea that someone like me could even remotely be qualified to start writing a bible study; but, obediently I began.  I started reading and studying Psalms very closely. It was as if God was preparing me with a weapon stronger than any metal man could forge, more powerful than any medicine man could create.

God’s Word has kept me afloat, hopeful and unafraid of this season’s outcome. And while an occasional pity party is held, I can remember that His plans for me are mightier than any outcome.

~Miss Maddie

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Madison Moericke (Miss Maddie) is our BFF and currently holds the honorable title of “Keeper of the Couch”. Yes, the big blue couch lives at her house right now. She currently works as a Travel Nurse, and lives in Bismarck with her husband and daughter. We are honored to have her as part of our team!

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